Political Fables: Jeremy Corbyn's The History of Tom Thumb
Today, I want to talk about one young man called Tom Thumb. He was born to an economically disadvantaged background. He didn't have access to the kinds of opportunities, such as private schooling or music and art classes, that children of wealthier families too often take for granted.
Tom was extraordinarily small. He was no larger than his father’s thumb, yet the Tory austerity meant there was no support allowance for his family. He was even forced out of the local school which - due to a rigged system which favoured the establishment - didn’t have the support staff to cope with his different abilities. This kind of treatment of our most vulnerable simply will not happen when a socialist government is elected by the British people.
Unfortunately - and through no fault of brave little Tom Thumb’s - there was great disunity at the farm. Disunity I might add that was clearly led by sinister Blairite plotters because the establishment were terrified of Tom.
The first, terrible incident was when young Tom was eaten by the old family cow, Tony. Now Tony the cow had a propensity for starting illegal wars, privatising things and winning elections so clearly he was not very popular with Tom. Also it was clear that everything that was wrong with the farm was Tony’s fault, not Tom’s. Nonetheless Tony swallowed up Tom! Not only that but he shat him out. Tom was actually shat out by Tony the cow! Leaving poor Tom covered in stains that would take years to wash out, a foul smell that would linger forever and could be used as an excuse for everything that went wrong in the future.
Next some angry chickens, who’d been plotting together in their coup to try to rid the farm of Tom Thumb forever (because they could not see how popular he actually was), convinced a crow to swoop out of the sky and pluck Tom up from a corn field. But their plan failed.
The crow picked up the unshakable Tom but he ended up stronger than ever! He was then dropped at a castle belonging to the nasty giant, Gargantua, who gnawed on the bones of her opponents. She wanted nothing more than to make the lives of her people a misery. She planned to cause massive economic distress with absolutely no thought for the little people or for those who were just about managing.
Tom Thumb knew then that if he was popular with Momentum, then he was popular in ordinary households across the land
Brave little Tom stood up to the giant Gargantua but due to the biased reporting of Tom Thumb in the mainstream media, everyone believed she could chew him up and make him disappear.
Comrades! She was wrong.
For when Gargantua tried to swallow him whole, rather than giving up or backing down, Tom Thumb danced the fandango in her stomach! However fake news reported that she trounced him which was, of course, not true.
Just when everyone thought Tom had been defeated he was thrown up, unruffled and unhurt, into a nearby river.
Of course, at that point Tom Thumb should have been celebrating his victory, setting out his future policies, and constructing his socialist manifesto. However, just as he was sitting there on his lily-pad thinking about how to solve the problems of a trading relationship with a bloc of twenty-seven countries while maintaining independent democracy, he was gobbled up by a trout.
This particular trout looked remarkably like Michael Gove, but then most of them do.
Never mind that any Labour leader would have been gobbled by the trout, the Blairite plotters said it was all Tom’s fault!
Luckily for Tom he had an ally from the mystical kingdom of Unite. King Len magically rescued him with his endorsement whereupon the unstoppable Tom Thumb leapt out of the trout, once again, victorious.
Inspired by Tom Thumb’s social policy and his real desire for a fairer society, where people didn’t kill babies or privatise them, King Len’s courtiers began a folk group called Momentum, sharing their support for his views on various social media platforms. None of them had ever met a real voter in their lives, mainly because so many voters were vile Tories and were clearly too stupid to see Tom’s brilliance.
Of course, Tom Thumb knew then that if he was popular with Momentum, then he was popular in ordinary households across the land.
So when the time came to once again face the giant Gargantua, brave little Tom Thumb was ready.
Now everyone would see Tom’s moral superiority!
“I am greater, more powerful, and far more popular than you will ever be!” screeched the mighty Gargantua standing over the burning embers of Copeland.
“Actually, I have to respectfully disagree with that statement,” replied Tom, who believed that losing Copeland to the Tories by only 2,000 votes when his party was 18 points behind in the polls - due to Red Tory Blairites! - was an impressive achievement.
“I am so powerful I could destroy the world with just one finger on the trigger of the nuclear button!” cried Gargantua, before she drank from a goblet filled with the blood of persecuted children.
“Then I must be superior because I would never use nuclear weapons or start illegal wars!”
That showed Gargantua! Now everyone would see Tom’s moral superiority! Gargantua was so furious at being outwitted that she raised her kitten heels to crush little Tom Thumb underneath!
But what happened next, Comrades?
Clearly Gargantua was stopped in her tracks and the land was saved from becoming a bargain basement, corporate tax haven.
No questions on the details of that bit of the story, please. As we need to move on and focus on the future, which is where Tom Thumb showers the farm with the sunshine of socialism and sufficient welfare that they needn’t worry about paying for their care in old age nor freezing to death over the harsh winter.
He’ll then hand out jobs, food and the opportunity for everyone to study the arts, and everyone will live happily ever after, not just those who are born into wealthy privilege.
And remember, if none of this happens, it won't be Tom's fault.
About the author
As well as contributing to Disclaimer, Holly has published several comic short stories with Black Coffey, and has been known to write and perform stand-up comedy at festivals and charity gigs. Her first play for the radio is in production with Frequency Theatre, and she is currently working on a full-length play for the stage.
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