Political Fables: Donald J Trump's Three Little Pigs

Now, I tell great stories. The best. No, I do, I really do; I tell great stories.

I have this one story, it’s the best story. It really is. It’s great. It’s about these pigs. These three pigs. Three of them. Great pigs, great pigs. I love pigs, some of the best people are pigs. There was that guy… Porky. He was a pig. Great pig, and ‘Babe’. Babe was a great pig, really, really great pig. Did a great job, great job. Some people don’t like pigs, think they’re dirty, roll around in dirt; that’s what I heard. It’s what I heard people say. I don’t think that. I haven’t got a bad word, great pigs. Terrific, terrific pigs.

Now, these pigs, and they were great pigs, steady jobs, families, hardworking pigs. Good guys. They wanted the same thing all Americans want; to build homes, have good jobs, and protect their families. What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with that? I wanna know! I wanna know what people have against that because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, I really don’t.

Great guys, great pigs.

Now there was this other guy, bad guy, no good. No one knows where this guy was from, could have been Mexican, could have been Muslim, no one knows, no one knows. But this guy, this guy was real bad. Real bad. No good. A wolf, a real wolfish kinda a guy, you know. Predatory, preys on kids, on women, that kinda thing, you know, sick. Sick stuff this guy was capable of. Sicko, sick, sick guy.

This guy, this wolf, no one knows where he was from, could have been south, could have been far east, no one knows, no one knows. He decides he’s gonna leave his country, leave his family, leave his kids, tons of kids, different mothers, no child support, you know the guy, can’t get a job, maybe he deals drugs, who knows? Who knows?

He decides to move, go across the border you know, maybe he’s heard stuff, maybe he thinks he can get a better deal, government handouts, you know the guy.

Well, he goes across the border. Just walks straight through. That guy walks right into pig country, no stops, no checks, just walks right in. No border control, no vetting. Nothing. Just walks right in, this sick guy, just walks right in.

Now I heard some people saying, you know, maybe he was having a hard time back home, maybe he was getting bombed, that’s why he walked out. That kinda stuff. Total fiction. No truth in that. Completely phoney.

Truth is; this guy was bad news. Bad guy. The worst.

And this guy, this wolf, do you know the first thing he does when he gets across the border? He walks up to the first pig’s house. Walks right up to it, no one stops him. They let him in, this guy no one knows, they let him just walk straight up to this pig’s house without anyone checking who he is, or what his intentions are. Authorities looked the other way.

Now, this pig’s house, the first pig’s house, you know what it’s made of? It’s made of straw. What kind of hippy builds with straw? I don’t know, I don’t know, maybe it was low-cost, maybe he was into all that eco stuff. I don’t know. I don’t know. All I know is, when that guy, that wolf, when that wolf huffed and puffed he blew that pig’s house down without a problem. Not a problem.

Weak. Weak house. No good. Massacre. Absolute massacre. The guy’s family, his wife, three, maybe four kids… massacre. No one did a thing to stop it, just let it happen. The failing New York Times have been making up stories about me for years but they didn’t even report it. CNN too.  Sad, real sad.

he huffs and puffs, and does all this crazy stuff, you know, sick guy, sick stuff

And the wolf walks away. Just walks away. Where’s law enforcement? Where’s the military? Whole thing could have been prevented but no one, no one is prepared for this guy. They’re all taken in by fake news, blah blah, persecuted, blah blah, whatever. Lies!

This guy, this wolf goes straight from the first pig’s house to the second pig’s house. Just walks right there. Bad!

Now the second pig, great guy, great guy, he was smarter than the first pig, house made of wood. Nice house, porch, rocking chair, big barn, you know, great house, nice house. He’s done well, smart guy, smart guy.

But this wolf, this sicko, this guy… second pig couldn’t stop him.

No protection. He had his family, you know, grandma, grandpa, the kids, his gorgeous wife, but this guy, this wolf, who’d come from, you know, wherever, he didn’t care he just… took ‘em out. Straight out. He huffed and puffed and… feeding frenzy. Tragic, real tragic. Eight or nine dead.

Now this guy, this sicko, he… there’s no stopping what he’ll do. There really isn’t.

He’s been in the country five minutes and he’s tearing it apart. Tearing it apart, really is. Devastating.

He goes straight to the third guy, the third pig. Great pig, the best, really, I know him, I know him, I do, great guy, really great.

The wolf gets to his house, nothing stopped him getting there, no one stopped him, he just walked right over, followed some… road. He gets to this guy’s house, this third pig, the wolf gets to his house and he huffs and puffs, and does all this crazy stuff, you know, sick guy, sick stuff.

But he doesn’t blow up the house. Can’t do it, fails. Fails utterly.

Great pig, built a great house, great builder, great builder. I’m a great builder, I build great things, so I know what that’s like. I know more about building than anyone. I know. Great pig.

Bad guy couldn’t destroy the house. Couldn’t do it. Do you know why? Do you know why this guy couldn’t blow up the house? Why this guy fails? This sicko?

I’ll tell you why.

Bricks.

Third pig, great guy, smart, third pig made his house outta bricks. Bricks. That’s what kept the wolf out. Bricks. He used bricks. Smart guy, smart pig. He knew that brick walls work. Solid walls. Solid bricks. Bricks keep out the bad guys, keep out the bad wolf. Third pig knew that. Great pig. Great guy. Successful.

But this sicko, this wolf, he didn’t stop. No one’s there to take him out. No military, no security. This crazy, sick, sick guy, he gets on the roof. He’s unhinged. He just gets right up there and gets in the chimney. Big trouble!

But this pig is smart. He’s ready. He knows this guy is trouble and he has the right to defend his home, he knows his duty. He’s prepared, and when that wolf, that bad guy, gets in: he lands right in boiling water. Straight in. Pig slams down the lid. Bad guy boils to death. Wolf wasn’t around very long after that.

Pig’s a hero. Saves his family, saves his house. Could have been carnage, could have been six or seven people dead. But this pig is smart, he’s a good guy, real smart, true hero. He knows what it takes to keep his family safe. Didn’t hesitate.

True hero. Has my support. Great pig. Great story.

More about the author

About the author

As well as contributing to Disclaimer, Holly has published several comic short stories with Black Coffey, and has been known to write and perform stand-up comedy at festivals and charity gigs. Her first play for the radio is in production with Frequency Theatre, and she is currently working on a full-length play for the stage.

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